In Retrospect - Whither My Passion & Drive

When I was a kid helping my father in our small food stall before moving on to renting a coffee shop during my teens I have always envy corporate like customers who wear shirts and ties and nice black pant who frequent our shop.

No. no. I am not, like, jealous of them but looking at them I use to tell myself - I WANT to be like them, one day I WILL be like them and I MUST do something about my current situation so that I too can be like them ... all dress up in shirts and ties and can enjoy my cup of coffee as if I have all the time of my life.

Not long after, my father decided to close the coffee shop and I got a job in Singapore as a waiter in a hotel coffee house.

As a waiter I see lots more professionals in nice shirts and ties and it further fuels my desire to be one of them.

Somehow during that period I got interested in computer technology. However, at that time, I did not relates my desire to be one of the shirts and ties to my new found love in computer technology.

I am so fired up with computer technology that I will buy whatever second hand magazine I can to learn more on how to use a computer. (can't afford to buy new magazine) It was at this time that the hotel restaurant that I work in was provided with an old 386 for word processing. Needless to say, I hogged the old PC at every free minutes I have - testing the DOS codes that I learnt from magazines, changing the DOS prompt, changing the colors of the screen etc.

The Manager knows of my acute interest in the PC and they are nice enough to let me play with it as much as I like, so much so that they officially appoint me to be the resident PC "expert". And not long after I applied for sponsorship to attend a word processing class to learn about DB4, Word Perfect, Lotus 123 etc and was approved. (as the saying goes, the one with 1 eye in the kingdom of the blind is the king:-)


And so my journey into the technological world of computer begins.

Not satisfied with my little knowledge as someone who can create documents and spreadsheet I started looking again to learn more about how I can fix and repair computers. I want to learn about Networks that I read in the PC Magazine. I want to learn about Topology and BNCs.

That was when I learnt about Novel Netware from the PC Magazines and because I couldn't find any such course in Singapore that I decided I need to pack up and fly over to USA to attend the course. Just like that -  I woke up one fine morning and the decision and the direction are set and I am flying.

That was like some many many years ago.


And today, sitting here, I am asking myself - where was those fire, those passions, those couldn't care less for anything else except what I want to do kind of attitude, those supreme confident that I will be able to do what I set out to do craziness, those sponge like curiosity that can absorb and internalize any subjects that I want to learn and master.

Where have all those gone??

In retrospect, how I go from being a coffee shop boy to a waiter to an IT Professional to a Management Consultant is something that all the motivational gurus are talking and preaching about.

The prerequisite is there must be Passion to do what we set out to do. And then there must be a Strategy on how to achieve it.

The next would be internalization of the Passion, which is Visualization.

Before we can achieve what we want to achieve, we must be able to visualize the outcome or the final result of what we want to become.

I used to do it a lot. I used to visualize how I look wearing nicely pressed shirts and ties. I used to visualize how I can solve Networking problems. I used to visualize how I only work 5 days a week like those Professionals that frequent my work place.


And I achieved what I set out to achieve with the fuel from my passions, my insane, tireless drive to learn and keep learning, and importantly visualizing everyday of my own transformation in the future.

Why the need to be Superstitious?

My short excursion to Ipoh left me RM500 poorer.... and this morn when i was reaching my office a bloody service van suddenly brake in front of my car causing me to slightly ram into his bumper!

The idiot actually wanted to alight a passenger in the middle of the road at a place where he is not supposed to stop. To top it off - his service van dont even have brakes light!!

No serious harm as we were both driving slowly but my car front bumper is scratched...*urgh*

Related this incident to a friend and he say .. oh yes, that's because your star say you "fan-tai-sui" this year and you need to "sip-tai-sui"....I was like .... huh?

Every year someone will talk about "tai-sui" to me and every year I will be scratching my head trying to find out what has my life got to do with "tai-sui" and vice versa? And why I "fan-tai-sui" (fan as in in direct confrontation?)

I mean, I dont even know him or her if him or her even exist at all! So why am I in direct confrontation with tai-sui?

And when we fan-tai-sui we need to sip-tai-sui - and it is supposed to help.... let us try to put this into a real life scenario. If I step on my boss foot (fan-boss) I quickly make up by saying sorry and buying him lunch if I step on it too hard! (sip-tai-sui) Then he wont jot it into his 555 and give me a bad ratings during appraisal.

Now - the above scenario I understand. Cause and Effect. Karma. Whatever. But the fact is I step on something solid - which is my Boss Foot - and I have to appease his pain and anger otherwise I will be in trouble.

Let's come back to my current situation.

I spent RM500 during my excursion to Ipoh and I banged into a van in KL. I spent RM500 because a hook in my car door handle broke and I have to get it repair otherwise it will be difficult for me to open the car door.

And when I was at the accessory shop the Manager was such a good salesperson that I invested another hundreds into doing other stuffs. So i overspent a bit. granted.

Then half way back to KL, my air filter valve broke and my car lost its vroom power and I was like driving a Honda Cub all the way back to KL. Of course once I reach KL I replaced the valve and it cost me another hundreds .. add up to RM500.

So I overspent and my car kissed another car. End of story.

Now. Where is the correlation between me over-spending and having kissed another car with "tai-sui"?

When, at what particular point in time have I "fan" this "tai-sui"? Can I see him or call him to discuss about this?

Why do we need to relates whatever is happening within our-self to something which we don't even know whether exist of not - or in agnostic term - things that evades our 5 senses?

I overspent because I am not discipline and I bumped into a car because that idiot is, well an idiot and I am being careless... end of story.

So what has all this got to do with "tai-sui"? (if it exist..)

IT’S A GAY OLD WORLD

IT’S A GAY OLD WORLD I read about this when I bought the book call A treasury of the art of living in '86 but is not able to find out where or who it originates from.

It is inspirational esp for those who take life by its horn and dictates their own destiny no matter how big the storm is.

Incidentally or is it intentionally, there is no mention whatsoever of requesting for help frm a higher being...except for ONESELF. I think that is the most logical reasoning by far.

I do hope you'll find it as educating as I did...

It’s a gay old world when you’re gay
And a glad old world when you’re glad;
But whether you play
Or go toiling away
It’s a sad old world when you’re sad.

It’s a grand old world if you’re great
And a mean old world if you’re small;
It’s a world full of hate
For the foolish who prate
Of the uselessness of it all.

It’s a beautiful worlds to see
Or it’s dismal in every zone.
The thing it must be
In its gloom or its glee
Depends on yourself alone.

-Anonymous

Soul Exist After Dead?

When my gran (mum side) passed away in the 80's, I was in my early twenty. I still remember all my aunts surrounding her bed when she suddenly proclaim that she cant breathe and after a few seconds of struggling she finally relaxed and with a peaceful smile on her face she went.

She was a grand lady in her 90's. Some of my aunt was hysterical while some just suppressed their feelings and let loose a torrend of tears.

For me, it is my first encounter of a family member passing and one who is close and doting to me, yet I cant describe my feeling of her passing then but today I think I have acted sort of level headed and to a certain extent cool. It is not that I dont feel sadness in me, as a matter of fact, I know tears are welling in my eyes but I am trying to come into grasp with reality. My gran have life a full life and being frail it is a blessing that she passed away peacefully and at her age.

Probably the main reason I did not give in to my emotional built-up and wail hysterically was the influence of the mixture of lifes sciences, religious, historical and philosopical books that I read which talks about human nature - we come and go.

Some would say it is Gods calling but biologically speaking we, humans are born to die. Who dont die? It is a mater of whether it is natural, like my gran or it is unnatural. If we cant accept this biological facts than we have a problem. The question is after someone passed, where does he goes? Does he exist?

For the theist, he went back to God. (but that will depend on what religion you profess) or went for reincarnation or went to hell or went to paradise -.

But where does the dead actually goes if it goes anywhere at all or if the dead exist at all after death.

Once when I was in another country. I saw a dead chap who was knifed - his eyes and mouth opened but void as if calling for help or saying that no, i dont want to die kind of look on his dead face.

It gave me a shiver to see that but that is my first experience of looking at a dead body.

The sight generated more questions in my already turbulent mind. Where do the death goes? Again if they goes anyway at all or if ever there is such a thing as a dead person going anyway?

Some religion taught that there is a soul and after death it return to the maker or goes to hell, heaven, paradise or reincarnates.

But soul is something which is formless, no one can see nor hear. The chinese prepare a feast for the death soul to return home on the 49th days after their passing but I have been thru 3 feast yet have never so much as seen any sign of anyone/or anything returning which is supposed to leave a mark for the living.

So I am kind of dissapointed becos I am not able to come into terms with whether soul or life after dead existed at all or not? Did my beloved gran and father return to visit me? In what form did they return? Why cant I reach out to them? Is it becos nothing actually existed at all after we are biologically dead?

Spirit?

Recently my friend told me he was woken up frm his sleep by a few kids who is shaking his bed. Though he claims that he is awake and aware of his environment he is unable to lift a limb nor open his eyes or say anything.

That lasted for a few seconds before he can actually pranced out of the bed and ran directly to the kitchen to get a glass of warm water to calm his nerve.

This, according to him is not the first and he believes it wont be his last encounter either.

Now, what makes someone able to come into contact with entity of this sort? Is there a prerequisite or a special gift that need to come with birth? Or do you need to have near death experience to open up the communication channel?

Probably, the million dollar question remains on whether such "entity" exist or not in the first instance and whether if it exist does it exist as what we perceived as in existence, like we can see the solid form of a chair and smell the rich aroma of curry being cook.

IF it dont exist in what we perceived as in existence does it then exist in another realm or does it exist as sound and light exist, which we can hear and see yet is unable to touch nor feel as we can do with a chair.

If it exist in the sound realm or it is in a higher wave-length then surely we can utilise some of the recent more sophisticated gadgets to see or even contain it?

But let's take a step back, what exactly is this entity? Is it really a kid or a man/woman in white floating around? Or is it just some sort of electromagnetic phenomenon which our scientist have not found out yet? Or is it some kind of natural energy?

Or could my friend be having a dream and he dreamt of the kids playing near him? Is it his innate buried desire to have kids of his own that drives him to "imagine" or "dreamt" of such thing?

But then what about those people who claim that they saw adult entity that wear white clothing hovering near their bed or is actually laying on top of them making them having difficulty in breathing?

Do they suffer from the same innate desire of something that projected itself during their sleeping state?

Now, people can swear they see something, ghost, god or any other entity unexplainable - but just becos they saw it or "think" they see it doesnt mean it actually exist becos if it exist it should exist not only for that moment but for the whole day, whole month, whole year and even it should exist for me and the rest of the people to be able to see it. Otherwise, what they purportedly saw may only be a figment of their imagination or a projection of their innate subconsious playing tricks.

So, does entity, god, ghost or spirit exist? Go figure.

I first read Krishnamurti when I was working in Singpaore. The title is The First and Last Freedom. In the book Krishnaji talks about love, conflicts, relationships and so forth. However, his discourse is very different from the one you read from today expert on relationship and I will not dwell on it here because honestly speaking I do not claim to fully comprehend everything he says to the extent that I can talk about it freely.

Krishnaji was brought up as the Great Teacher/Master after being spotted by someone who is himself a Guru of some sort. He was later related to the Theosophist and in later years left the group. His greatest act was when he dissolve the organisation in 1929 that was set up specifically for his coming into being.

In his later years, he denounce organisations, sects, religious movement and all groupings that in his words will hinder the progress of an individual search for the Truth. Check out the link.Truth is a Pathless Land

I wont say he is an agnostics because clearly from his upbringings to his years in holding "talks" (not preaching nor teachings)he is a man who has found the Truth he is talking about.

The reason I am writing about him here was his influence in my chain of reasoning. I've read quite extensively in search for an answer -- the answer to my question about higher being and also about why are we here in the first place.

I am a professed Agnostic because I am very skeptical of the so called 'answer' to life put forth by writers who are long gone and by today preachers and believer who accept the teaching based on nothing but faith. (no offence intended.)

A friend of mine who is a practitioner in the "unknown" (occult, magic, mediums etc..) who can do and see things which only a real believer will believe has always advised me not to question the forces of nature because what was written about the "other" side (heaven, hell, fairies, deities, higher being etc..) is true.

However, my questioning is not meant to be disrespectful of traditional beliefs nor am I set out to antagonise some very sensitive true believer of the "other" side.

Rather, my questioning began because I am really hoping that somehow I should be able to experience (tangibly) see and feel with my five senses what all the theist is talking about so that I can accept the setforth theory with no more skepticism in mind. (dont it souns like I am trying very hard to convince myself that there're really beings beyond our five senses? Maybe yes but I just cant take it and accept it just because someone say that should be how it is.)

Krihnaji asked that his listener drop all their beliefs, conditioning and authority so that the heart can be at peace and then, only then we will be able to see or feel the Truth.

However, he did not elaborate on what the "truth" is therefore I can only deduce that the truth he is talking about must be akin to what buddhist describe as "nirvana" or what Taoist like Lao Tsu and Chuang Tsu talks about as the Tao.

What is Agnosticism?